How I Conquered My Phobia of Weight Gain When I Stopped Restricting My Food
A post for anyone healing from chronic dieting or an eating disorder
Note: People of all sizes struggle with body image and eating disorders, and each one’s journey to food freedom and body acceptance is unique. Some may gain weight due to weight needing to be restored. Others may maintain or even lose weight. I, personally, was within my body’s natural, set-point range and did not lose or gain weight in recovery. This article is meant to help others work through the fear of weight gain, whether the fear becomes real or not.
I can’t recall a time in my life prior to eating disorder (ED) recovery when I wasn’t fixated on my size. That’s not all too shocking, considering my body insecurities began when I was just 4 years old.
By age 10, I developed anorexia which quickly spiraled into bulimia. I sought treatment when I was 26 and considered myself fully recovered at 32.
In total, I spent 28 of my existence shaming my body and fearing food.
Living this way for so long, my brain forgot how to see food as neutral and nourishing. It only had two associations with eating:
To restrict to the point of semi-starvation.
To devour everything in sight and then purge what I could through self-induced vomiting.
Even after I entered treatment, I had one unremitting question.
How, after all these years of living a certain way, can I learn to eat normally and overcome my deep-rooted fear of weight gain?
If this question resonates with you as a chronic dieter or someone struggling with an ED or disordered eating, know you are not alone. Know that your fears are valid. But also, know that you can find the power to face those fears and come out happier and healthier than ever before.
Below are 11 (my lucky number) practices I leaned on to help me work through my fear of weight gain and bodily changes during my ED recovery. I hope you find some of them helpful and that, perhaps, they inspire you to take the next step in making peace with food and your body.
1. Grieve Your Delicate Body
Take the time to reflect on all the things your underfed or inadequately-nourished body has given you. This can be incredibly cathartic and eye-opening.
Has it made you feel more attractive? Has food restriction made you feel more in control? Has overeating, bingeing, and/or purging served as an escape for you?
Now, try and step outside of your body and observe what you see. Is this body healthy? Is the person living in it happy? Why or why not? What were the costs of any temporary or perceived happiness?
Express sorrow for the body you see and any mistreatment it’s endured. Let it know it’s never been your intention to hurt it and that things are going to be different. Now, you’re going to take steps to show it the care and respect it deserves.
2. Embrace the Discomfort
Reintroducing fear foods and increasing your food intake can provoke emotional and physical discomfort. Your ED/diet brain may send you false assumptions like “You’re going to gain two pounds from eating that pizza!” Or you may feel overly full because your body isn’t accustomed to eating or retaining an adequate amount of food.
It can help to compare the discomfort to other uncomfortable experiences your brain normalizes in time:
Getting into a pool and your body settling into the temperature.
Your eyes adjusting to the dimmed lights in a movie theatre.
The potent aroma you smell walking into a friend’s home that fades after a few minutes.
The more you embrace the discomfort, the more trust you build with your body. This takes a great deal of courage, so it’s best to take one small yet significant recovery-focused step at a time.
Little by little, both your brain and your body will acclimate. Food becomes less scary, and any necessary weight gain you experience is more easily seen as a sign of progress — not a sign of digression.
3. Crowd in the Good
It’s possible you’ve spent a lot of time living in comparison mode, looking at other “perfect” bodies and then berating yours in return. It’s time to do just the opposite.
Make a list of people you admire for qualities other than their appearance. It doesn’t matter if you know them personally or not — only that their mere presence lifts you up. My list included Serena Williams, Amy Schumer, Thích Nhất Hạnh, Mary Berry, my dear friend Jen, and my recovery coach. I made sure to interact with each of them on a daily basis, even if only through Instagram.
Speaking of which…social media curated in a way that supports your food and body liberation goals can be a tremendous asset in facing your fear of weight gain. Unfollow any accounts that trigger you or bring you down, and follow others that inspire you. Check out some recommendations here. And don’t forget to adjust your settings to see fewer weight loss and fitness ads.
There are also umpteen anti-diet and ED recovery-centered books and podcasts you can add to your repertoire. I have a few suggestions here to get you started.
Lastly, lean on the abundance of mantras and affirmations available with a quick Google search. Being the killjoy I was, I rolled my eyes at this idea but gave them a shot. Turns out, they were so instrumental to my everyday recovery. Here’s a list of 100 to get you started!
4. Aim for Body Neutrality (Not Love) at First
Aiming for body love and positivity can seem like an unfathomable feat if you’ve fought a longstanding battle with negative body image. Body neutrality — not loving or hating your body and accepting it at the moment regardless of weight or size — can be more approachable.
A body functionality exercise is effective for gaining this newfound respect and appreciation for your body. Write down all of the things your body does for you related to:
health (e.g., fighting disease, digesting your food)
senses and sensations (e.g., seeing, feeling pleasure);
physical activity and movement (e.g., going for a walk, dancing);
relationships (e.g., having a meaningful conversation with a friend or playing with your kids);
self-care (e.g., taking a shower, preparing a meal);
creativity (e.g., playing music, painting)
A daily gratitude journal where you jot down 1–3 things you appreciate that your body does for you can further foster neutrality and respect.
Perhaps someday you’ll love the reflection in the mirror (it’s pretty awesome!), but taking a more objective view to start can be a great stepping stone.
5. Let Go of the Scale
This is an extra tough one. If you’ve relied on the scale as I did to “keep you in check,” the thought of letting go of it entirely can seem petrifying. But like most conditioned habits, you haven’t stopped to think through all the ways the scale has harmed you or may heighten your fear of potential weight gain.
There are three harsh but honest truths about the scale:
Regardless of what the number is, it perpetuates the connection between your worth and your weight.
It makes it nearly impossible to grow comfortable in your adequately-nourished body (whether you’ve truly gained weight or not) and escape the diet mentality or disordered eating behaviors.
It robs you of the ability to see yourself as more than a body.
If getting rid of the scale feels too extreme at first, start by stowing it away somewhere it’s not easily accessible like the trunk of your car or the back of your closet. Apply this same tactic to any clothing items you keep on hand to gauge your weight until you’re willing to completely part ways with them.
If you need to weigh in for a specific health condition, turn away from the scale and ask your provider not to share the number with you.
If not knowing your weight is anxiety-producing, have a heart-to-heart with yourself about how well knowing your weight has worked for you. The longer you go without the scale, the more you believe that what you weigh holds little significance whatsoever.
6. Be a GD Rebel
While learning to regulate my emotions was huge in recovery, one space I gave myself permission to direct my anger was at diet culture and western society’s grotesque thin ideals.
I became so resentful for being duped and refused to buy into the lies and victimization any longer. Every time I upped my food intake I thought, “To hell with you all!” I even stuck my middle finger in the air from time to time.
Taking this rebellious stance made me feel like a mini-activist, fighting for myself and my community. You, too, can be a rebel, and I hope you do.
7. Welcome the Negative Thoughts
As you’re eating more consistently and adequately, you’ll likely encounter some negative self-talk. This is normal and should be expected.
In my coach training, I learned about the concept of the “Healthy Self” (HS) and the “Eating Disorder Self” (EDS). Eating disorder clinician and author Carolyn Costin originated this concept. It supports the idea that prolonged use of extreme food behaviors like restricting, bingeing, and purging create an EDS. This is the part of you that spews out negative thoughts and entices you to engage in unhealthy behaviors.
The goal is not to get rid of the EDS but to strengthen the HS to the point you no longer feel compelled to use the disordered behaviors. Achieving this requires ongoing dialogue with the EDS and HS. It shouldn’t be combative or contentious, as it’s best to show compassion rather than animosity toward your EDS. Example dialogue:
EDS: That sandwich is going to make you fat.
HS: Remember, there are no fattening foods, only unhealthy eating behaviors.
EDS: Well, you’re at least going to need to spend an extra 20 minutes on the elliptical to burn off the excess calories.
HS: These are not excess calories, silly. My body needs this nourishment and can handle it. I don’t have to earn my food as I’ve thought for so long.
Be sure to always end with a Healthy Self statement!
You can learn more about the HS X EDS concept in the book 8 Keys to Recovery from an Eating Disorder by Carolyn Costin and Gwen Schubert Grabb.
8. Focus on the Functions of Fat
Focusing on the many benefits of body fat can be helpful as you eschew any ED or disordered eating behaviors.
One fact that might surprise you about fat is that it makes up at least 60 percent of the human brain. This means feeding your body sufficient amounts of fat enables you to focus more easily, as well as grasp and retain more information.
We also depend on fat to regulate body functions and hormones related to reproduction, sex drive, blood pressure, digestion, blood clotting, and metabolism. Fat also supports cell function, protects your vital organs, and helps keep your body insulated.
Despite any personal beliefs you’ve established about fat, it truly is a friend, not a foe.
9. Challenge Your Assumptions about Weight Gain
The Eating Disorder Self can feed us lies and false assumptions about what will happen if we start to gain weight. Once again, you can lean on the Healthy Self to step in and challenge those assumptions. Here are some examples of EDS beliefs and HS counter-statements:
EDS: You will be less special if you gain weight.
HS: There are so many other non-appearance-related qualities that make me uniquely me. I’m going to focus on those.
EDS: People are going to look at you differently if you gain weight.
HS: Are they? If they do, it’s likely because they’re happy to see me investing in my health. Also, I’d reckon most people aren’t as hyperfocused on my body as I am and won’t even notice my weight gain. If they are that focused on my body, then they may have their own food and body issues to work through.
EDS: Your weight is going to spiral out of control.
HS: I am focused on the here and now. Even if I fear what my set point weight may be, I am trusting that I will feel differently about it as I engage in more healthy eating behaviors and give my brain time to adjust.
10. Reach into your Inner Soul Self
Ditching the scale, introducing more foods, and eating adequately are great steps toward food freedom and body acceptance, but don’t stop there. There’s yet another part of you — your Soul Self or your inner essence — that also needs nurturing. This part of you exists not to look a certain way but, simply, to be.
To channel your Soul Self, take time each day to pay attention to the world around you. We’re constantly moving through life’s rhythms and aren’t always in tune with our surroundings, which offer us so much richness, inspiration, and awe.
Some things you can start doing to cultivate a deeper connection with your Soul Self:
Observe what types of wildlife and plant life reside in your neighborhood.
Gaze at the stars, the sunset, or the sunrise.
Look intensely into your partner’s or your child’s eyes.
Identify if the moon is waxing or waning and what each signifies.
Look at an old tree and think about the many storms it has weathered.
Say a meal blessing, thanking nature and all those who worked together to make this food available to you.
11. Revert Back to Your “Why”
At the start of any journey toward food and body freedom, it’s important to take some intentional time to write down all the reasons you want to make a change. This is your personal “Why.”
Are you exhausted? Unhappy? Are you fearful of losing your life? Are your relationships on the line? Are you missing out on life? Do these beliefs and behaviors not align with your values?
Everyone’s “why” behind recovery is unique, but it can be such a powerful force in keeping you motivated and resilient. It reminds you that you are not only recovering from something but that you are recovering to so much more.
Any extra weight you gain is only a sign that you are coming one step closer to making your “why” a reality.
Closing Thoughts
Please know you have every right to feel scared shitless. Transitioning from rigid eating behaviors to more healthy, intuitive ones takes immense courage. I, myself, doubted I would ever be bold enough to face the fear.
Despite how cold, wet, and alone I was, my eating disorder was my life raft keeping me afloat. Getting into the water and swimming ashore seemed a daunting task, rife with uncertainty. But I got in anyway.
As I swam, my tears trickled into the water. The uneasiness was often immense as I drifted further from my life raft. I waded at times, trying to decide if swimming the full distance was worth it. But I kept putting one arm in front of the other and settled into the discomfort.
Eventually, I made it ashore. I made it out of the water in my new, nourished body. I was dry and warm. Safe and happy. And no way in hell was I setting foot back into that turbulent ocean.
I hope the practices I’ve shared serve as guideposts for you if you’ve begun or are thinking about mending your relationship with food and your body. If you need extra support, consider working with me to swim alongside you as you make your way ashore.
