5 Reasons to No Longer Compliment People on Their Weight
Whether you’ve been on the giving or receiving end, this is for you
Photo by Gary Barnes via Pexels
You’re meeting an old friend for dinner tonight who you haven’t seen in months. Seated at a table for two, you glance up to see her walk through the door.
As you make eye contact, your first thought is, “Wow, Katrina’s lost weight.” Maybe 15 pounds? At least 10, for sure.
You clasp her between your arms and remark, “Katrina, you look so great — have you lost weight?”
What’s wrong with this weight-centric picture
At first blush, you might see absolutely nothing wrong with the above scenario. Two friends getting together, kicking the night off with one congratulating the other on her presumed weight loss. Seems harmless, right?
The reality is there’s often more than meets the eye, especially in the insidious world of dieting and weight loss.
Here are five reasons you should think twice before complimenting someone on their noticeably smaller frame.
1. They may be ill or undergoing a stressful life event
Weight loss is not always deliberate. Break-ups, job loss, mental health issues, addiction, acute or chronic illness, stress at work, and family turmoil are just a handful of personal reasons someone might look on the slimmer side.
They may not be comfortable sharing such intimate details with you, and commenting on their appearance could put them in an uncomfortable position.
2. They may have a history of trauma
In response to a traumatic event like rape, harassment, molestation, or other sexual abuse, victims can feel powerless, objectified, and even blame their perceived unattractiveness as a catalyst for being targeted.
Negative body image and body hatred can ensue and cause survivors to resort to compulsive exercise and disordered eating that could lead to a full-on eating disorder, all with the hope of becoming more attractive. Adversely, some survivors try to de-sexualize themselves in an attempt to be less attractive by becoming extremely fat or thin to stave off potential predators.
The timing and severity in which these behaviors become apparent can vary from person to person, thus rapid weight loss may tie back to trauma undergone years or even decades earlier.
3. The previous version wasn’t as good
The sheer excitement and congratulatory comments you express about someone’s weight loss can inadvertently send the message that they did not look good before or their heavier body is inferior to their more slender body.
While this may not be your intention, the ego can easily misconstrue your words to take on a new meaning and reinforce western culture ideologies that promote thinner as better.
4. Perpetuates a fear of weight gain
All of the one-off compliments start to add up. Naturally, the person on the receiving end may feel an obligation to maintain her weight, fearing that a larger body is grounds for judgment, criticism, or disappointment from others.
This is a viable fear, considering 97% of dieters gain all of their weight back and sometimes more.
5. The inside may be suffering on behalf of the outside
You never know what measures someone is taking to lose weight. Certainly, they could be going about it in a healthy way by honoring fullness and moving their body more. But even the most hailed diet programs and FDA-approved weight loss supplements pose immediate and long-term risks.
Some people take their diets to the extreme, especially at the outset when motivation is highest. This can entail limiting daily food intake to 1,200 calories or fewer, overexercising, and using laxatives or diuretics to flush out salt and water.
These disordered behaviors can spiral into anorexia, bulimia, or an unspecified eating disorder where the individual becomes obsessive about his body weight and shape, and incurs social withdrawal, drastic shifts in mood, poor self-esteem, and distorted body image.
What to say instead
The solution is so easy yet so difficult.
While your safest bet is to not make any appearance-related comments at all, our instincts get in the way. After all, the first observation we make of others is almost always physical.
But try to catch yourself.
Let’s replay the scenario at the beginning. Instead of saying, “You look so great — have you lost weight?” you can greet your seemingly slimmer acquaintance in a very basic but genuine way, such as:
How are you? It’s so good to see you!
You look so happy — what’s new?
Wow, you seem so full of energy, which I’m happy to see.
They may proceed to tell you about the new diet they’re on, how much weight they’ve lost and plan to lose, etc. As long as they appear happy and healthy, the physical changes do not seem too abrupt, and they are not presenting any concerning behaviors (e.g. eating little or no food, consuming food rapidly and then excusing themself to the restroom, only talking about their weight loss,) then it’s perfectly fine to express that you’re happy for them and wish them the best.
Also, be sure to ask about other things in their life. The more interest we express in others’ lives outside of their appearance, the more we realize how insignificant image really is when it comes to who a person is or why we choose to associate with them.
Final Thoughts
Let’s be crystal clear about one thing: I am not opposed to weight loss.
Weight loss can be a great thing for a body that has weight to lose and for a person who wants to lose it, but we need to do a better job of acknowledging that holistic health exists at various sizes.
We are not the keepers of our loved ones’ health and well-being. As individuals, we decide what kind of lifestyle we wish to lead and, unless there are health concerns or conditions that require weight loss as a remedy, we shouldn’t assume someone would be better off in a smaller frame.
At the end of the day, we choose what we say.
We choose what we do.
We choose who we wish to be.
At the end of the day, we are all more than a body.
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Note: I am not a therapist, dietitian, or licensed mental health professional. I do not take the place of such, thus I cannot provide treatment or give associated professional medical advice.
