How to Raise Kids to Not Hate Their Bodies
Your role as a parental figure can make a difference in a child’s body image.
Photo by iordani via Adobe Stock.
I’m not a parent.
However, I was raised by a parent who outwardly projected her anti-fatness within my purview.
And I was always listening.
Whether my mother was pointing out someone on TV, in the car at the stoplight next to us, or asking me directly if I was getting fat, I was led to believe at a very young age that having a large body was the absolute worst atrocity I could ever commit.
I wound up battling anorexia nervosa, anorexia: binge eating/purging type, bulimia nervosa, severe body image disturbance, compulsive exercise, and body dysmorphic disorder throughout my childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood.
Let me be clear — I don’t believe my mother’s body-shaming comments were THE reason I grew to hate and abuse my body. It takes a unique combination of biological, sociocultural, and environmental factors all working together for someone to fall victim to food- and body-related mental illnesses.
That being said, I can’t know what my relationship with food, my body, and exercise would’ve looked like had I grown up in a household where body size and worth weren’t inextricably linked. As a parent or parental figure, your words and actions make a significant impression on the children that bear witness to them.
Here are some ways you can lessen the odds of your children (or children in your orbit) developing a negative relationship with their bodies.
Don’t Comment on Other Bodies
Comments on bodies usually come in two forms.
1. Body shaming
Body shaming is the more obvious wrongdoing, yet many still engage in it.
There are blatant body criticisms, like:
She’d be so much more attractive if she lost weight.
I didn’t know guys could get pregnant.
She should NOT be wearing that bikini.
And there are the more subtle comments:
She looks like she’s filled out a bit.
She wasn’t fortunate enough to inherit her dad’s long and lean genes.
He’d be a lot more muscular if he lifted weights more regularly.
Irrespective of where these body-shaming comments fall on the “Not Very Nice to Super F*cked Up” spectrum, they all send the same underlying message: That thin and trim bodies are superior to heavier-set or fat ones.
You might be thinking, “Yes, exactly — thin bodies are better than fat bodies, and I don’t want my child to become obese.” You’re entitled to your opinion, and I can understand wanting your child to live a healthy, happy life. But body-shaming others isn’t the solution. In fact, it could lead to the complete opposite outcome, as in my case.
2. Body complimenting
You may not describe yourself as someone who goes around bashing other people’s bodies, but can you say the same thing about complimenting them?
Believe it or not, complimenting people on their bodies can also have negative impacts on your children’s body image. Perhaps you’ve — even innocently — made some variation of the following comments in front of them:
Damn, Kelly’s lost weight and is lookin’ good!
Wow, she’s so thin, she could wear anything and look good in it (about your friend’s sister).
Oh my god, Matthew McConaughey is such a hunk (as he’s dancing on stage shirtless).
When kids hear these comments, they’re hearing a lot more than just a compliment. They also hear the same messages conveyed by body shaming:
That the less you weigh, the better you look.
That the thinner you are, the more clothing you can pull off.
That muscles on men equate to sexiness.
Above all, kids are taught that talking about and objectifying bodies is okay. This may not be your intention, but it can nonetheless be the imprint you leave.
Don’t Berate Your Own Body
As with complimenting others on their physique, many people don’t realize the potential harm of criticizing their own bodies in front of children.
When a child — especially your own — hears someone they care about or look up to chastise themself for gaining weight or being “naughty” for eating that extra Crumbl cookie, they sense your shame.
Not only does it hurt them to see you in this self-deprecating state, but it plants seeds that weight gain and eating desserts warrant feelings of guilt and disgrace. For young humans in growing bodies who derive joy from fun foods, this can cause confusion and internal struggle.
Don’t Frivolously Make Comments About Your Children’s Bodies
There’s no harm in telling your child they look gorgeous or handsome. Their appearance is, in fact, one quality about them, and who doesn’t want to feel beautiful?
What matters is that you’re complimenting their appearance when they’re dressed up and when they’re eating pancakes drenched in syrup and butter with bedhead and sweatpants on.
What matters is that you also compliment the non-appearance-related things about them, like their generosity, curiosity, or adventurous spirit.
What matters is that you gently remind them occasionally that who they are on the inside — and expressing that — is far more significant than how they look.
So, be thoughtful and intentional about those comments. Even if you get an eye roll, there’s someone deep down who takes it to heart.
The Main Takeaway
The comments you make about bodies — others’ and your own — can have a ripple effect.
The young, impressionable minds overhearing these comments can redirect them inward. Introspectively, they wonder if their body is acceptable as it is and deliberate the importance of making or keeping it that way.
While as a parent or parental figure, you can’t fully control if a child within your sphere of influence will grow to struggle with body image disturbance or an eating disorder, you can help lessen the odds.
So why not try?
